


My Poor Soul

by HollyMartins



Series: Ben Solo loves his family [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Ben Solo loves his family, Domestic, F/M, Family, Family Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Force Bond (Star Wars), Future Fic, Hint of Postpartum Depression, Redeemed Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-26 05:36:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13851192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HollyMartins/pseuds/HollyMartins
Summary: Ben stared at her, his heart beating rapidly as he realized just how pale and wan she looked. His heart clenched. What sort of husband and father was he that he hadn't noticed before?___Shortly after the birth of their first child, Ben notices a change in Rey. He never suspects she could be harboring her own fears about parenthood.





	My Poor Soul

**Author's Note:**

> I can't stop with the Reylo. Can you blame me? 
> 
> Now a series, this is a prequel to the first fic: "The Same Old Fears" and I would suggest you read that one first. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, please note that this is not beta-read, and remember, comments are love!
> 
> Don't forget to visit http://hollymartinswrites.tumblr.com/ and say hi!

The change was slow but it was apparent from the start. 

At first, it made sense for the fear to be so intense. They were new parents and their child was so small, so vulnerable, so utterly dependent on them. Rey and Ben had both been warned that parenthood was a terrifying experience but by sharing the fear, it was manageable. At least, that was what Ben believed. 

In the beginning, Morrigan slept in their bedroom and during the short hours when she slept soundly, Ben and Rey often repeatedly checked on her, fearful of closing their eyes even for a moment. Once she began sleeping through the night, they reluctantly moved her into her own nursery. It was a difficult transition, resulting in both Ben and Rey spending the first couple of nights curled up on the cushions in the nursery until they were confident she was safe. 

It was only after his mother had assured them both that Morrigan was quite safe to sleep in her nursery alone that Ben and Rey agreed to return to their bedroom. Ben loved his daughter deeply and sometimes wondered how he had ever lived without her before, but he had been looking forward to sharing his bedroom with only his wife once again. 

That first night alone with Morrigan in her nursery, he didn't expect anything but the chance to hold Rey in his arms. He knew, through their bond, that Rey was nervous and he didn't blame her. He felt rather the same but he hadn't expected her to stiffen as soon as he reached towards her after settling in the bed.

"Rey?" he asked softly. Through the darkness, he could just make out her form as she rolled onto her side, facing away from him. "Are you alright?"

She was silent for a moment before answering, "I will be. I just...need time."

Ben nodded and tried not to take it personally. He knew, rationally, this was quite normal and Rey was still experiencing the emotional upheaval of bearing a child. He couldn't rush things.

"Alright," he whispered. "You will let me know if you need anything?"

"Mmhmm."

Ben leaned over and kissed her on her temple, frowned when she made no notice, and tried to sleep.

 

The next several nights were the same. Rey would lay absolutely still in their bed, far enough away from Ben that he had to stretch out his arm to touch her. If Morrigan awoke in the night, Rey was up and out of their room so quickly, he often wondered if she had been sleeping at all. The circles under her eyes suggested she wasn't but Rey had grown more adept at shielding her thoughts and feelings from their bond. If he dared to broach the subject, Rey would brush him off. It wasn't until days later, when she dozed off while nursing Morrigan, that her shields fell and Ben nearly staggered under the exhaustion she had been hiding. 

Panicked, he shook her awake, startling both Rey and Morrigan. Rey blinked up at him with wide, frightened eyes as Morrigan wailed in her arms. 

"What?" she gasped. "What is it, Ben?"

Ben stared at her, his heart beating rapidly as he realized just how pale and wan she looked. His heart clenched. What sort of husband and father was he that he hadn't noticed before? How could he possibly protect and provide for his family if he was able to overlook something as crucial as Rey's health?

"You fell asleep," he said, his hands still gripping her shoulders. "Rey, what's wrong? Tell me."

She shook her head as if to clear it and seemed to notice Morrigan in her arms for the first time. She immediately began hushing her, bringing her up to her chest as if to shield their daughter from Ben. 

"You have to be more gentle with her," she insisted as she stood up and stalked with Morrigan to the nursery. Ben tried not to flinch when she shut the door behind her.

 

Rey didn't come to their bedroom that night and Ben cursed himself for being a coward. If he was a stronger man, he would go into the nursery, demand to know what was troubling his wife, and fix it. That was what he had pledged to do when they married; to always support, protect, and defend. Her joys and troubles were his but whenever he attempted to reach out, he felt the mental wall she had thrown up against him. So he hid, like he had always done when overwhelmed.

He had a fitful sleep, plagued with disturbing dreams of Rey, Morrigan, his own childhood—all coloured by a tremendous sense of loss. He was so distressed, he did not notice when the door opened and Rey slipped in. It wasn't until she laid down on the bed beside him that he fully awoke, and he sat up, breathing heavily.

For several moments, neither said anything. Ben gazed upon his wife and felt intense sorrow at the sight of her so stiff and still as she laid on her back, unblinking as she stared into the darkness. He had never known her to be so aloof.

"It was easier before," she whispered suddenly. 

Ben blinked.

"What was?" he asked, confused.

"It was easier," Rey repeated, "before she was born."

Ben swallowed as he felt his heart break. He had been so foolish and so selfish with Rey when it was so clear she had not been ready. Had he even changed?

"Rey, I'm—"

"She was safer that way." Rey took a deep, shuddering breath as her eyes abruptly filled with tears. "She was safer before she was born."

Ben was silent as realization began to dawn on him. He tentatively reached out a hand and brushed against her shoulder. 

"Rey."

"It's so much harder this way, Ben," Rey admitted before bringing her hand to her mouth. The tears began to escape and she shuddered with the effort to keep from sobbing. "I can't keep her safe anymore."

"Rey," Ben gasped before pulling her into his arms. She didn't stiffen this time but turned towards him, hiding her face in his chest as she sobbed. He ran his hands down her back as he kissed her repeatedly on her hair. Later, he wouldn't be able to remember how long she had cried; he only remembered how relieved he had been when the shuddering had stopped and the tears had slowed. "Rey," he repeated, "oh, my love."

"It's so foolish, I know," she whispered, sniffing. "I know I should be happy and I know she's safe but I can't help but feel that now, it's all out of my control." She rubbed at her eyes with her hand before admitting, "When she was inside me, I knew I could always keep her safe but now...now I have to be a mother and what if I'm doing it all wrong, Ben?"

Ben pulled back from his embrace and, taking her gently by the chin, turned her face upwards to meet his level gaze. 

"Rey, you were Morrigan's mother the moment we found out she was coming," he said. "You haven't done—and you won't do—anything wrong. You're an incredible mother."

"But I can't protect her as easily as before," she insisted.

"No, you can't," he admitted. "But I'm here to protect her, too. And between the two of us, we won't let anything happen to our child. I swear it, Rey." 

"What if I'm not as strong as I thought I was?"

Ben smiled as he shook his head gently. "There are few certainties in the galaxy, but the one I believe in the most is the fact that you are the strongest person I've ever met."

"Ben."

"Together, we are going to protect Morrigan and make sure she never feels—even for the briefest of moments—as alone or scared as we did growing up. I swear this to you, Rey."

She stared up at her husband, her eyes unwavering, until she nodded. He leaned down and kissed her, rejoicing when she kissed him back and wrapped her arms around him.

"I've missed you, too, Ben," she whispered against his lips. 

"I'm right here," he breathed. "I always will be."

She smiled and gently led him down on the bed.


End file.
